“What was all the screaming about?” I asked as I stepped
through the front door. I had just returned to the house after attempting to
help my next-door neighbor’s daughter get her car started. This is the next door neighbor who hates me,
told me that I have traumatized her children, and once declared in reference to
my children that she was relieved that her children lived in the real world. She must have been desperate to call me.
I had heard raised voices coming from within the house while
attempting to jump start the neighbor’s car, but nothing that alarmed me. My children bicker. Then I received a phone
call from The Oldest. He was out-of-breath, as if he had just run around the
block. “Where are you? Please come home!” he begged.
“Dad, he was out of control!” exclaimed the 19-year-old
Karate black belt, in response to my question. “He reached for a weapon. I had
to stop him!”
What happened? Why did The Middle Child grab a weapon and
attempt to harm his older and stronger brother?
It all started with cheese.
The Girl decided to make herself a cheese sandwich for
breakfast. She successfully opened the bread bag and removed two slices of bread.
She placed them on the paper plate that she took out of the cupboards
completely on her own. Then she confronted
the zip-lock cheese bag. Those give her trouble. In fairness to The Girl, they
give me trouble, too; but, without a fully functioning lefty, they are
particularly troublesome for my youngest. Never to be slowed down by her
impairment, The Girl grabbed a pair of scissors and went to work. She would
have her cheese. That’s when The Middle
Child started to come unglued. You see,
it wasn’t just any cheese bag she was cutting open. It was a bag of Muenster
cheese. His favorite!
“Dad!” he exclaimed, wincing from the pain in his neck. “She
used scissors to cut open the cheese bag. It won’t reseal after that!”
“Is that when you lost control of yourself?” I asked.
“Yes,” he moaned. “I tried to help her, but she refused.”
“Hey, I’m a big girl now!” The Girl cried. “I don’t need his
help.”
The Middle Child continued his defense. “And she cut through
the cheese, too! We could get sick from food poisoning!”
“How did you hurt your neck?”
“Dad, he went nuts,” explained The Oldest. “He started
screaming and yelling and slamming cabinet doors.”
“He yelled ‘bullsh*t!’ twice” added The Girl.
“When he gets this angry he throws things. I thought he was
going to hurt himself the way he was storming through the house. I put him in a
bear hug. That’s when he went nuts!” The Oldest continued. “He was thrashing and yelling. He made his way
over to the counter and reached for a weapon.”
“What did you reach for?” I asked The Middle Child. There
were no knives or scissors on the counter.
“A fly swatter,” he mumbled.
I looked at The Oldest. “A fly swatter?”
“Hey!”
“A FLY SWATTER?” I asked again, a grin spreading across my
face.
“You can do a lot of damage with that thing!” he exclaimed.
I'll have to speak with our Sensei about teaching us fly swatter defense. Maybe there's a Kata for that.
I looked at The Middle Child. “Is that when you wrenched
your neck?”
“Yeah…” he replied.
“He yelled ‘bullsh*t’ twice!” The Girl reminded me. Clearly,
I wasn’t quenching her thirst for justice by not addressing this salient point.
The Middle Child has spent the last 24 hours grabbing his
neck and moaning. It will be a few days before he returns to normal, and both
his regularly scheduled bowling on Wednesday and golf on Thursday are big
question marks. There is no punishment that I can give him that will teach him better than his inability to move without looking like Quasimodo. I’ve asked The Oldest to
keep his hands off of his brother during his remaining three weeks of living at
home. I'll deal with any temper tantrums involving insect extermination devices. The surviving seven slices of Muenster
Cheese are living safely in a one gallon zip lock bag in the refrigerator. And
last night, as The Girl and I drove to Karate, she looked at me earnestly and
exclaimed, “Dad, you don’t understand. He yelled ‘bullsh*t’ twice!”
Can I go back to Poland now?