Pocket Change

I suspect that a man’s pockets are just a purse attached to his pants. We carry those things that we need, (or accumulate) on a daily basis in much the same manner that a woman’s handbag slowly gains weight until it takes an earth mover to carry it to and from the car. How many of you women permanently lean to the right from the weight of your purses? This conclusion comes after many hours of researching the answer to GingerB’s question on yesterday's blog, “Tell me, man blogger, why do men need so many coins?” There are pages and pages on the World Wide Web dedicated to researching the contents of men’s pants. Why do men jingle the coins in their pockets? What do men carry in their wallets? What do men carry in their pockets? I’m certain that this was exactly what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet so many years ago.

The Boss has been asking me these questions for years, and I’ve been answering her with the most honest answer that I can think of.

I dunno.

The stuff just gets there. And when there gets to be too much stuff, it has to be emptied. The most natural place to empty the contents of your pants pockets is on top of your dresser. This is the natural course of life. Men accumulate stuff in their pockets. Their pockets get filled. Their pockets must be emptied.

So, what do men have in their pants? According to multiple websites, the answer is cash, phones, wallets, and condoms. A couple of guys added combs, Carmex, and Vaseline to the list of things they carry in their pockets. There’s an early morning EEWWW! for you. I assume that the prophylactic answer was written by single men. At least, I hope so. Married ladies, does your husband carry condoms in his pockets? I thought the telltale ring in the wallet went away after the words, “I do.”

There is considerable virtual space dedicated to answering two questions. The first is, “How much change should a man carry in his pockets?’ The second is, “Why do men jingle the change in their pockets?”

One writer suggested that men should “always have a quarter in your pocket in case your mobile phone fails or you’re located, as I am, in panhandler territory.” This is odd, because a quarter will not make a phone call anymore and offering a quarter to a panhandler could get you knifed. This writer went on to suggest that “a gentleman should also carry $200 in folding money in case he needs to tip a cop or settle a fender bender amicably. The other coins are useless. I haven’t had a dime since my last divorce.” Another writer suggested that men carry change in their pockets “because it makes them feel like they actually have money. In my case, it's just an allowance.”

An interesting comment on the change question came from a writer who observed that “Our change has become just that, change back from bills, and not something that can be used to actually purchase anything. Coffee is no longer a dime a cup, but $1.75. So instead of carrying a couple of dimes, we carry a $5 and bust that up to purchase our refreshments.” That is an interesting thought. We are not dropping small change here and there anymore because small change will not buy us much. We have to accumulate a lot more change in order to buy something using coinage. There is also an image problem with counting out coins to make a purchase. Guys do not want to look cheap, or look like they are scraping the bottom of the barrel to make a purchase by counting out change. A guy will break every bill in his wallet and pocket the change before he will start using the change to make a purchase. Who wants to look like a Babi on a pension counting out coins from a little plastic change purse? We’re men, dammit! We flip bills. We don’t count pennies!

There are about a gabillion theories as to why men jingle the change in their pockets, from simple nervous habits to things that I will not reprint on my blog. I think the best answer to Kathleen’s question, “WHY do men play with the change in their pockets?” is that I don't want them playing with the change in my pockets!