It's Time To Write Again

I've had the audacity to dedicate most of my time each day to teaching my children.  That has left very little time for writing a blog.  I know.  I need to get my priorities straight.  I've neglected this place for too long.

Since last December, all of my writing has been for Home Educating Family Magazine and their accompanying website, Home Educating Family Association.  I was blessed with the opportunity to write a regular column for their magazine, and a monthly blog entry for their website.  The magazine comes out four times each year.  The blog entry is the first Monday of each month.  This opportunity is a dream come true. 

I've been struggling a bit when faced with selecting topics to write about, as well as finding my usual style for presenting my ideas. The problem is that I haven't been writing enough. Writing is like any other activity: you have to practice if you want to get better.  There's no better place to practice than write here. 

Melissa commented to me the other night that some of my funnier blog posts were answers to questions presented in memes that flew around the blogosphere a few years ago.  She found one online and posted it to my Facebook wall.  It was a public challenge.  I picked up the gauntlet, tucked it into my belt, and sat at the keyboard.  It was fun. Here goes...



ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? Some people have cool scars from bar fights or spectacular car wrecks.  I have a scar on my right forearm from a box of fish.  But it was a big, heavy box of fish. It had been shipped into Kanas City from Boston, and when I picked it up from the belt loader as it came off the plane I sliced open my arm on the corner of the box.  It was so cold out that I didn’t feel the cut, so I shrugged my shoulders and kept on working.  Apparently, it needed stitches. 

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?  Being eaten by a shark.  In my underwear.  I don’t know how the shark gets into my underwear, but it’s still pretty frightening.  (It's an old joke, but be honest. You smiled,)

WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?  They have eyes?  I never noticed. 
 
FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?  Beer.

ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?  No. I can only smoke one joint at a time.

FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?  Fitz.  “Do you like it?”  “Yeah, it Fitz.”

SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:  There.  I said it.  Out loud.  Everyone in the kitchen heard me, too.  Bet you wish you were here, don’t you?  I guess you’ll never know.

FAVORITE QUOTE?  “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet simply because there’s a quote and a picture next to it.” – Abraham Lincoln

HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY?  I’ve been to Japan, Guam, the Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Antarctica, Fiji, and the exotic Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean. 

MET ANYONE FAMOUS? I met former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne’s husband.  He gave me an autograph that reads, “You should try my pork chops!”   He forgot to include his address and phone number, the cheapskate.

FIRST JOB?  I delivered newspapers written in Polish to little old ladies who smelled like cabbage and tipped me with rotten fruit and Halls Mentho-Lyptus.   They meant well.


HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?  Yes, and if my wife ever gets pregnant, there’s a urologist who’s gonna get a beat down.

WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?  The back of my head.  It usually comes when people say, “Hey, look!  He’s leaving!”

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY? Eye candy.

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND? Yes.  And I was smart enough to marry her.

WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?  It varies, depending on whether you are looking at my nose or my ears.

EYE COLOR?  I color.  You color.  We all color.  Coloring is fun!

FAVORITE RESTAURANT? That place where my wife sits across from me, a cold beer sits between us, and the children sit at home with a babysitter.  I LOVE that place!

PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? I love playing with musical instruments.  Oboes are surprisingly aerodynamic when you don't have a javelin, and the bean bag toss into a tuba bell is fun, too.

RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?  Two night stands: one for my side of the bed, and one for hers.  We can’t share just one night stand.  It wouldn’t be good for our relationship.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?  Four boxes of Life cereal and a package of hot dogs. 

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?  Milton’s Paradise Lost.  It’s a delightful little tale where a man tries to justify the ways of God to man (as if that was really needed), and one of his characters admonishes another not to try to understand things that beyond his understanding. 

He Didn't Know What He Was Gettting Into

Yesterday, I was tagged on Facebook with one of those get-to-know-you type memes that asks about a bajillion questions.  I answered them, and I am sharing my answers with you today.  Nothing should surprise you in my answers.  I wish I could say the same thing for the guy who asked the questions.  He's the assistant scoutmaster for the General's troop.  We're camping this weekend.  We have got just enough fresh snow to make camping an adventure for the annual Klondike derby.   With more on the way.  And temperatures in the teens.  Anyway, this should make for some interesting conversation on the campout...


1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:45

2. How do you like your steak? Oak.  It's the only wood that will kill vampires.


3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter #7


4. What is your favorite TV show? I don't have one.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Where ever you find my wife and kids, you'll find me.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Oatmeal with a side of Activia. The funny thing about Activia is that the volume extruded is grossly disproportionate to the volume ingested.


7. What is your favorite cuisine? Pizza

8. What foods do you dislike? Rutabaga


9. Favorite Place to Eat? Anywhere I'm not cooking and not paying.


10. Favorite dressing? I prefer undressing. Well, watching someone undressing. Actually, watching my wife undressing. I think I've said enough now.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2000 Toyota Sienna. Pretty darn sexy, huh?

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans, sweat shirts and sneakers. For sneakin'.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? England

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? That depends on whether or not the cup is filled with beer.


15. Where would you want to retire? Where ever my wife is retired.


16. Favorite time of day? early morning


17. Where were you born? Oak Lawn, Illinois


18. What is your favorite sport to watch? football

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? The 24 poor slobs who receive this tag.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? My son. He's pretty fast. I used to be able to out run him, but he's really quick.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? No one. So, if you don't tag me back, I won't have to feel guilty for deleting your post.

22. People or Bird watcher? Definitely people. Preferrably women.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? A morning person. It's the best time of the day to sleep in.

24. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, six chickens, three fish, three children, and a woolly bug under the porch.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I have a hemorrhoid. Does that count?

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Professional baseball catcher.

27. What is your best childhood memory(s)? Stealing Tareytons from my dad.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog

29. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

30. Been in a car accident? Yes. And I'm here to tell about it because I always wear my seat belt.

31. Any pet peeves? People who pronounce the "s" in "Illinois" and "Des Moines." And people who fart in public. I hate walking through that cloud!


32. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Sausage, mushrooms, tomato, and garlic

33. Favorite Flower? Anything on someone else's casket.

34. Favorite ice cream? Rum Raisin. Without the raisins.


35. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway

36. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0

37. From whom did you get your last email? Some chick offering me cheap Viagra. The assumption behind that offer is really quite insulting.

38. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Barnes & Noble


39. Do anything spontaneous lately? I ate my oatmeal plain this morning.

40. Like your job? I love my job. I make more money at this job, and have a higher rate of job satisfaction, than any other job I've I've ever held. The commute is great, too.

41. Broccoli? Yeah, but it gives me gas, so I only eat it right before I go out in public.

42. What was your favorite vacation? A trip to LA to meet a certain freckle-faced redhead...

43. Last person you went out to dinner with? My wife

44. What are you listening to right now? The George Lopez Show

45. What is your favorite color? Purple

46. How many tattoos do you have? 0 Yet.

47. How many are you tagging for this quiz? No one. 
48. What time did you finish this quiz? 9:43 PM

49. Coffee Drinker? Black.  Why pollute perfectly good coffee with cream and sugar?

I will be home in time watch this year's Super Bowl, the Bears/Packers game on Sunday afternoon.  That should be some good football!

One Good Meme and You Don't Have to Think

I have been both busy and uninspired lately, so writing has been a low priority on my list of things to do. When I sat down to write this morning, the power went off in the entire house the moment I touched the space bar on my keyboard with my thumb. An hour later power returned and along with it, a meme from Diapers and Dragons. So, here goes…

Five Questions…

1. Where were you five years ago?

Five years ago I was here in Apathy, Kansas. We had just moved here a few months earlier. Mayor Wrinkles had just won his “final” election based upon his request to finish his crowning achievement, “Apathy Town Center.” Apathy Town Center was to become the down town shopping district for our small city. He needed one final term to complete this dream. Back then, Apathy Town Center looked like this:

One year ago, Mayor Wrinkles asked voters to give him one final, final term in office to complete his crowning achievement, Apathy Town Center. Those residents who bothered to vote fulfilled his request. Today, Apathy Town Center looks like this:

With this sign at the entrance:

Impressive, isn’t it?









2. Where would you like to be five years from now?

The older I get the more I appreciate the blessings that I have, so I don’t have a big wish list. Five years from now I would like to still be vertical with automatic respiration, enjoying life with my wife and children.

3. What are five things on your To-Do List for today?

One. Let General Mayhem sleep in. He got up to attend an Eagle Scout project this morning and was a complete beast to his brother and sister. I sent him back to bed. If he emerges from his room as a human being I might allow him out in public.

Two. Scale Mount Clothesmore. The peak is covered in white, which means that I might be down to my emergency underwear. They’re red. I try very hard not to wear red underwear in public, so I need to do the wash. I apologize. I realize that was a TMI moment.

Three. Straighten the house. It’s crooked.

Four. Listen to Major Havoc and Captain Chaos bitch and moan at each other. From the sound of things, I’m going to have to do this anyway. I might as well put it on my "To Do" list so that I can scratch it off later in the day and feel like I have accomplished something.

Five. Post something, anything, on my blog. Even a meme. I’m in a dry spell.

4. What are five snacks you enjoy?

Think of any five items that are high in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates, while low in protein and dietary fiber and I’m all over them.

5. What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?

One. Live smack dab in the middle of a HUGE parcel of land that would allow me to wander about my day totally naked. That would mean that I could

Two. Make a bon fire and burn my red underwear. I wouldn’t need them, because naked people don’t need any underwear, let alone a red emergency pair.

Three. Make large donations to pro-life organizations, the Ronald McDonald House, and Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City from the comfort of my home. For obvious reasons, video conferencing would not be allowed.

Four. Golf. With my favorite golf partner. I would rather golf with my wife than any other person on the planet. We shot nine holes for the first time in years on Monday. On the fourth fairway, after spending considerable time helping her locate her ball in the tall rough on the right side of each of the first four holes, we searched for yet another shot that veered right into thick grass. As we approached the approximate location of her ball she observed, “Herein lies the problem with sucking.” I chuckled over that one for the rest of the afternoon.

Five. Pay for the therapy bills for anyone who has read this far down today’s blog.

I know that I am supposed to tag five people to continue this meme, but I don't really care whether or not it survives.  After all, I do live in Apathy...