A Brief Word From Parent A

Hi! It’s me, “Parent A.” That’s my new official designation from the US State Department, that group of citizens who want to show “recognition of different types of families” in our great nation by making passport applications gender neutral. I’ve spent the last few days retraining the children to call me “Parent A,” and to call my cohabitating partner who pledged to spend the rest of her life with me “Parent B,” but it is proving harder than I thought. The pesky little buggers don’t understand. They stubbornly stick to an out-dated, gender based language to refer to the two human beings whose copulatory efforts produced them; however, I am certain that with a careful and consistent introduction of new words I will successfully change their thought processes.

My calendar now reads “Parent B Day” and “Parent A Day” in May and June, respectively.

We pray “Our Parent A, who art in heaven,” before bed each night.

The new phrase around our house is “If Parent B ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.”

We sing Paul Simon’s famous song, “A Parent B & Child Reunion,” as well as Willie Nelson’s “Parent B, don’t let your children grow up to be cowboys.”

And we can’t forget John Mayer’s poignant lyrics:

"Parent A’s, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into Parent B’s
So Parent B’s, be good to your daughters, too"

Predictably, there is some argument starting to take root in the house. Why is the person formerly known as “Father” now “Parent A?” Why isn’t the person formerly known as “Mother” now “Parent A?” The question that needs to be answered is, “Who wears the Parent A in the family?”

I think I’ll leave that to another blog.