The One Time You Want A Dead Battery

The big concern that The Boss had for the swallowed battery was what could possibly leak out of the battery and into the daughter. The obvious answer, electricity, never crossed my mind. I’m not certain that it crossed hers, either. Apparently, there is enough liquid inside the human digestive system to complete the electrical circuit and cook your innards. The challenge for doctors is determining whether you munched on a dead wafer battery for a camping headlamp or a Lifeline marine battery used to push a harbor ferry. I was more than a little surprised to discover that the children’s hospital sees these kinds of cases regularly. Two things made the Captain’s digestive adventure less troublesome than the average case. The first was that the battery was dead, or nearly so. The second was that she had told her mother that she had swallowed “a coin” right away. Most parents find out that their kid swallowed a battery long after severe damage is done on the inside of the body. You can burn a hole through things like your esophagus, stomach, and intestines. They’re a tad corrosive, too.


Saturday afternoon, I left the boy scouts at their campsite and returned to town to assist The Boss with our daughter. I returned to the campsite early Sunday morning to help the scouts pack for the return trip. I didn’t take Major Havoc out to spend Saturday night camping for two reasons. The first was that I did not want to be out of phone contact with The Boss. I assumed that I would be picking up the girls from the hospital late Saturday night or early Sunday morning after the battery was removed. I never gave any serious consideration to the fact that the Captain would become an in-patient. The second reason was that he didn’t want to go. The temperature dropped considerably Sunday morning. The wind picked up, the wind chill dropped, and the camping was tough. Our Scoutmaster’s first comment to me on Sunday was, “So, Arby, were you warm last night?” I bypassed the answer he deserved, “You can kiss my ass,” for the honest assessment, “Yep. Mighty warm. Warmer than you were, I’m sure.” It appeared to me that he was a little annoyed by the whole ordeal, as if we had spoon fed a battery to our daughter just to take me away from camping. I’m probably wrong in my assessment. Some times he’s a hard man to read.

Upon returning, I showered and then drove to Children’s Mercy to relieved The Boss. I spent twenty-four hours in the hospital with the girl. She was discharged today after a fairly cool test revealed that she had no damage to her esophagus. It was a video x-ray of her swallowing contrast. I did get to speak with one of the doctors who operated on the Captain a few years ago. He met a healthy, re-Energized former patient. That had to be good for them. When he heard what she had swallowed, he called for her test results and delivered them to me in person a short while later. He wasn’t even assigned to her case. He’s a good guy. The girl packed away a huge lunch, her first solid food in 48 hours, and immediately asked for more. Since she had spent two hours with the dry heaves during the night, we waited to make sure that she’d wouldn’t hork, and then called it good. I phoned The Boss as soon as I heard we had discharge papers. The girl and I were out of the room fifteen minutes later. I wanted to be as far away from the doctors as possible in case they changed their minds. We waited in the lobby. And then we went to karate class, the first night of our new semester. The Captain and I received our yellow belts. It was an odd way to finish a day that started in the hospital. Life has returned to normal, one blog post away from sanity.