A Suggested Revision to Illinois SB 136

I spend a lot of time each day sitting in the main office at Apathy Elementary School, waiting for Captain Chaos to complete her therapy services. This gives me the opportunity to observe parents as they arrive at school to pick-up a child and take them to doctors appointments, dentist appointments, the hair salon, and to their non-custodial parent’s house. I have been shocked by the number of parents who cannot tell the receptionist the name of their child’s teacher, their room number, and in a few instances, their child’s grade level. In the interest of fairness, and passing legislation that might make a difference, I suggest that Illinois Senator Edward “I’m full of boloney” Maloney submit the following bill for consideration:

97TH GENERAL ASSEMBLY

State of Illinois

2011 and 2012SB0136

Suggested to be Introduced by Sen. Edward D. Maloney

SYNOPSIS AS INTRODUCED:

105 ILCS 5/2-3.25o

105 ILCS 5/26-1 from Ch. 122, par. 26-1

Amends the School Code. Requires the parents or legal guardians of children attending public schools, a defined term, to demonstrate that they know what in blazes is going in their children’s lives.

A BILL FOR

SB0136 LRB097 02721 NHT 42742 b

1. An act concerning education.

Be it enacted by the People of the State of Illinois, represented in the General Assembly:

A Demonstration of a basic awareness of WTF is going on in their children’s lives.

(a) Findings. The General Assembly finds and declares that frequently parents of children attending public schools lack a basic knowledge of where their children go and what they do each day, such as the name of their child’s teacher or the classroom number where their child spends six hours each weekday.

Parents should be able to answer basic questions such as:

1. How old is your child?

2. What is the name of your child’s school?

3. Where is it located?

4. What is your child’s grade level?

5. What is your child’s teacher’s name?

6. Can your child add?

7. Correctly?

8. Can your child subtract?

9. See question #7

10. Question #7 comes before question #8 and after question #6.

11. The “#” symbol means “number.”

12. What is your child’s cell phone number?

13. How many naked pictures has your daughter taken of herself and texted to her boyfriend’s cell phone?

14. Any other questions as deemed appropriate by the Department of Education, a competent government agency, the average six-year-old homeschooled child.

(b) Homeschooling families, by definition, know the answers to the questions enumerated above, as well as Latin, the theory of relativity, and how to make some really excellent apple pies with some pretty darn flakey crusts, and are exempt from the requirements of this bill.



This should give Truant Officer Bill Reynolds something to knock on doors and talk about. He can assume that parents of public school students who do not wish to answer his questions are in violation of the law, criminally stupid, or just plain clueless, and take appropriate action as he sees fit.

Feel free to add your thoughts to this bill.

Dixon, Illinois

It’s a famous place, you know.

We spent two hours in the greater Dixon metropolitan area late Sunday morning as we searched for an urgent care center that could treat the Captain. We found one. It was empty. She was treated right away. They accepted our insurance. And they didn’t charge us an arm and a leg. We only needed to find two Wal-Marts before we found a pharmacy that stocked the antibiotic we needed. That’s not a complaint. You’ve got to enjoy modern medicine in America before the federal government destroys it. And I offer no apologies to my Democratic readers. Your party is in the process of destroying health care in this country, and I can only hope that the negotiations between the house and senate completely fail in the new year.

But, I seriously digress.

We liked Dixon.

On the way into downtown Dixon we discovered the famous Dixon Arch. If you climb to the top of the arch you can see for two blocks in each direction.

On the way out of Dixon we discovered this cute little home.

It’s the childhood home of our 40th president, Ronald Wilson Reagan. We often stumble on things like this. A couple of years ago, in Wisconsin, we discovered a small building that was the birthplace of the Republican Party. This year we discovered one of the childhood homes of arguably the greatest Republican president. It was very cool. It was also closed, and we decided that we did not want to walk through the snow to get the children’s picture taken on the front porch for the annual Christmas letter (soon to be the New Year’s letter if I don’t get off my butt and write the darn thing). Well, that and the fact that it would sorely hack off the great many Democrats in our families. Maybe we should drive back…

I miss a lot of the action when I am driving on a family trip. The Boss was kind enough to point the camera over her should and capture life in the back seat.

It usually involves food.

Nothing says “road trip” like a hot and spicy beef stick! Yard-o-beef, anyone?

The most amusing part of the ride home came when the Boss called “Shotgun!” She commandeered the front passenger seat and the radio in search of a station that carried the Packers/Steelers game. We heard the pre-game show clearly until we reached the Illinois/Iowa border. That’s when the game started and reception vanished. “We’re close to LaCrosse,” she said. “I’ll be able to find the game.” She began to turn the dial.

At 12:00 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, while driving westbound on Interstate 80 in eastern Iowa, the Boss was able to locate the Buffalo Bills game broadcast from Rochester, New York, on the radio. She found the Denver Bronco’s game from Denver, Colorado. She found the Chiefs/Browns game from Kansas City. She even found a rebroadcast of the Punxsutawney College women’s quilting finals loss from a Pennsylvania radio station. She could not locate the Packer’s game.

“I could spit on Wisconsin from here!” she shouted, after several trips across the radio dial. “Why can’t I find the Packer’s game?!”

She was a bit scary, really.

Eventually, the Boss found the game. We picked up a signal from a Cedar Rapids, IA, radio station that carried the Packers. When that faded we found a station in New Orleans that broadcast the game. We found stations all across the country that carried the game. When one signal faded we found another. What did not locate was a Wisconsin radio station that carried the Green Bay Packers.

Christmas came early for Bears fans.  The Packers lost.

But, we returned safely.  We enjoyed our trip.  And we are happy to be home!

It Was Kind of a Dull Weekend

I had an extremely unfunny weekend. Friday night I drove from Apathy, Kansas, to Terre Haute, Indiana, to help a friend drywall his garage. I drove for 16 hours (round trip) to spend 18 hours taping, mudding, and sanding a large, three bay garage with 10 foot ceilings. It was an extremely unfunny weekend, save for two very brief moments.

When we crossed the Mississippi River from St. Louis, Missouri, to East St. Louis, Illinois, we were met with a most unpleasant aroma blasting through the car vents. The air conditioner in our Camry is not working, so in order to remain somewhat comfortable in stifling heat we drove with the vents and windows open. Just like in the good ol' days.

"What is that smell?" General Mayhem exclaimed, the sole passenger in the car.

"Welcome to Illinois," I replied.

"Will the whole state smell this bad?" he asked.

"Pretty much."

A few minutes later he was sound asleep. He slept across the entire state and did not stir until I exited I70 in Terre Haute. He slept through Illinois on the return trip yesterday, too. I was jealous. Southern Illinois was far better in the dark than in the daylight, although it smelled about the same.

We were in the middle of Missouri, channel surfing on the radio, when we came across "Carry on Wayward Son."

"Oh, good song!" he said. "Some one sang that on the last day of school when we had the cherryoke contest."

"Cherryoke?" I asked. "Is that when somebody stands up and sings in front of an audience for the first time?"

"Huh?"

"I think you mean karaoke."

"Yeah, that was it!"

That about sums up my weekend.