Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Happy Feet

I thought the Major had attached a Whoopee! cushion to the bottom of each foot when I followed him up the stairs tonight and listened to him blow mouth farts each time his foot hit a step. This came after he ran up to his mother and me and pulled up his King of Kings t-shirt (yes, that King of Kings) from one of last summer's Vacation Bible Schools to flash us his favorite pair of red briefs. They are a tad too small for him as well as a bit frayed in the waist band, but he nearly had a nervous breakdown last week when he discovered that the Boss had thrown them in the garbage. I assured him it was a mistake as I fished them out of the bathroom waste basket, hoping the entire time that they had been thrown away clean. He calmed down instantly, preventing the need for some deep breathing into a brown paper bag. The lad is really attached to his underwear.

I cannot recall ever being attached to a pair of my underwear. Of course, I cannot recall ever having a pair of red underwear, either. I've had a few pink shorts due to a laundry mishap, but to the best of my recollection my mother only purchased tighty-whities when I was young and I have absolutely no idea why I am writing this and even less of an idea as to why you've continued reading to the end of this sentence.

Big Doofus over at the Big Doofus Blog has offered to create a Beware of Chicken sign for my yard. I am going to take him up on his offer. Why not? I'm already known as the Chicken Guy in this town, due to our highly publicized battle with Councilwoman Vile and the rest of the Apathy city council. I might as well attract just a little more attention. And yes, Crossview, I was just joking about the rabies tag and collar on the chickens. The city actually requires a rabies tag on an ankle bracelet for each bird. That's less of a choking hazard. It's also much more stylish, and the clanking tag acts as a cow bell when you need to find one of the birds when they're wandering around in the dark. I appreciate Big Doofus' offer, as chicken attacks can be ugly, and we do not carry an insurance rider for rabid fowl. We couldn't afford the deductible.

General Mayhem is spending the week at Boy Scout camp. Of course, this means that it has rained in Biblical proportions each day since he left. Every television channel is interrupting normal broadcasting to show a map with a bright red splotch of bad weather perched directly over his tent. Tomorrow night I'm donning goulashes for the trip up to family night. I'm taking mercy on the boy and bringing him a dry sleeping bag and more dry socks. I get to see my first Boy Scout Camp bon fire/Indian Dance/whatevertheydo. I'm hoping for another storm, as I am certain that I will be bored to tears. I frequently am at these scouting functions. I know, I know. Don't send the emails. Bad dad.

Lastly, I was amused to see the Big Announcement by American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert, who tells the world in a Rolling Stones article that he's gay. The big question being asked is how this announcement will affect his career. Hmmm...a gay performer in Hollywood. Who would ever think such as thing could happen? Did you, Elton? How about you, Clay? Ellen? I have an entirely different question. Don't you have to have a career in order for it to be affected? Just askin'.


CrossView said...

This was an interesting post! LOL! THough I would think that being called the "chicken guy" would be kind of insulting. But I suppose it would be ok as long as people don't flap their wings and make chicken noises when they see you??!!

A rabies tag on a chicken? That's just weird! Have you had many instances of chickens getting and passing on rabies?

And I'm so happy the Major got his drawers back.

Brownie said...

You have such intellectual ramblings. :)

Last year in a town near hear - there was a couple that kept pet ducks in their home. They hassled with city council about keeping "livestock" in town.

Kathleen said...

We readers got to the last sentence of the second paragraph because we hold on to every word you say, Arby. That's the truth.

The breaking news of Adam's sexuality is sort of like Any Day's Breaking News Headlines of another Hollywood couple divorcing.

Kellie said...

OMG!!! Adam is gay?!? (Actually I've known this ever since he performed Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" accompanied by a sitar and donning tight white leather pants.....Yeah, I know...I don't know why I watch that show either.)

Nikowa@KHA said...

Yep the big warning sign sounds good to me. "WARNING: Killer chickens (or the other word for roosters) Enter at your own risk."