Monday, July 6, 2009

Do Brown Bears Eat Cats?

I have no idea what I looked like Saturday morning after I put on my tuxedo inside a makeshift dressing room that I shared with a frog. The dressing room was constructed with clothesline, clothespins, and three sheets. The frog hopped in when someone opened the door to the large wooden building that served as a kitchen, make-up room, dressing room, and amphibiary. It contained a single refrigerator, a six burner gas stove, and an old, two bin, stainless steel deep sink, none of which you’d really want to use. The Boss used words like “handsome” and “dashing” and “my man” when she saw me, but I noticed that she was squinting really hard when she spoke so I knew that she wasn’t wearing her contacts. She was beautiful.

The wedding was nice as far as weddings go. It was simple. It was short. It was conducted in a state park in front of a large lake. All the fishermen who had arrived early in the day left shortly before the service began. The preacher only called the groom “Ronald” once. He managed to use the man’s correct name the rest of the morning, including during the all important "vows" portion of the ceremony. And the Maid of Honor had orange feet. Her sister had tried to convince her that a spray-on tan would look good under her bride’s maid dress, but they abandoned the idea at the ankles after it became clear that she would look like a walking billboard for Tang rather than the honored guest at a good friend’s wedding. So, she was pasty white from ankles to brow but her piggies were a nice shade of Minute Maid.

Back at home, we are dog sitting one of the newlywed’s dogs. We also have one of their cats. And two of their fish. Only the fish will remain after the bride and groom return. The dog goes home and we are sending the cat by air freight to Alaska. I hear there are a lot of brown bears on the streets of Anchorage.

Do brown bears eat cats?


CrossView said...

So often you "read" as somewha cranky in a most amusing way. But reading between the lines I'd say you have a huge heart. 'Tis okay. I won't tell anyone! ;o)

TeacherMommy said...

Whew. That's a relief. I can't imagine anyone actually wanting to marry someone named Ronald.


Kathleen said...

Do cats land on their feet in brown bears' stomachs?

Kathleen said...

Hey, TeacherMommy ~ You know that's Arby's name, right? I mean, what did you think the "Ar" stood for? ;)

Kellie said...

Hysterical! That is the best wedding write-up ever. They should put that one in the paper, right next to a picture of the bridesmaid's orange feet.

And by the way, I'm tired, grouchy and out of sorts. You told me it was okay to bellyache, so I thought I'd come do a little on your blog. =)