Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You'll Be Here When?

When the phone rang at 9:18 this morning I expected to find my mom at the other end of the line. The only other person to call that early in the morning would be the Boss, but she is in New Mexico this week. We won’t talk until tonight. When I heard the caller identify herself as “Bobbi” from the life insurance company my first thought was completely unprintable on this family blog, but I can assure you it included some choice invectives directed at my own stupidity. There I stood, still in my underwear, hair a mess, with a house that looked like a toy factory exploded inside of it, and I was forty minutes from an in-home life insurance physical that I had completely forgotten was scheduled for 10:00 a.m.

“I’m in Apathy and I just finished with my first client. Can I come a little early?” Bobbi asked.

“Sure, no problem,” I lied. “But, I did sorta forget that you are coming, so I need a few minutes to get dressed and shovel out the front room.”

“That’s fine, but I need directions to your house,” she told me. That’s when I discovered that she was less than five minutes from my front door. I calmly explained how to find my house, disguising the sheer terror I was experiencing at that moment.

The General is usually very good in situations such as this. It’s not like I haven’t forgotten about OT and PT and Speech Therapist appointments until I saw the therapist walking up the driveway. I ended my phone call and explained to the boy that we needed a clean living room and we needed it five minutes ago. He helped a great deal, once we got past the obligatory, “Hey dad, what do you want me to do with this piece of lint?” question. One “I don’t care where you put it as long as it is out of this room!” solved the problem. He was micro cleaning. I was looking for a bulldozer.

I am happy to report that when Bobbi walked through the front door the living room was tidy, as long as you ignored the carpet, which needed an hour underneath the SuckMaster 8000 Industrial Vacuum and Earthmover. My hair was combed.  I had pants on.  That's always a plus.  I’m guessing that since I answered “No” to 95% of the questions that I was asked, I should pass this physical. Not only do I not have a diagnosis of all the major physical ailments a man of my age could have, I don’t regularly use marijuana, crack cocaine, heroin, meth, alcohol, and a host of other drugs of which Bobbi inquired. Not that I would say “Yes!” if I did. Apparently some people do, because Bobbi told me that one very well dressed, neatly coiffed and obviously financially successful lady told her, “I used marijuana regularly until I became pregnant.” The lady patted her very pregnant belly as she answered the question. Bobbi looked at her and asked, “And you want me to put that on this form?”

Life insurance.

I think I’ve entered adulthood.

15 comments:

Teacher Mommy said...

I remember that experience. Minus the whole absentee-pants issue.

When I answered the lady's question about living in tropical countries and odd illness by informing her that I had had malaria (seven times), she looked at me in shock.

And then I ended up having to pay more of a premium, even though that was years ago. For some reason American companies look askance at having tropical fevers multiple times. I should have kept my big mouth shut.

Oklahoma Granny said...

Please don't take this the wrong way. It's truly being said in fun and not as a criticism. Because earlier this morning I read about how well the General's troop had done over the weekend I couldn't help but remember the Scout motto, "Be prepared" as I read this post.

Arby said...

OK Granny...don't I wish!

jedijson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jedijson said...

Just one more example of how my mother and I think alike--"be prepared." LOL!

Brownie said...

Your cleaning style sounds like mine. Blondie had wanted to go on a sleepover - I said fine but added no way would her father let her with her room remaining a mess. She said it was too messy and she didn't have time! I told her that I didn't care where it went - closet or under the bed - just make sure there was absolutely nothing on the floor or bed. So she threw things and hid them.

She told her friends. I am now the cool mom. :)

Michelle said...

Oh, how I needed that laugh today!! Thank you Arby!! Between hair cutting, illness, and Little Miss Trouble pooping in the tub today, I was seriously worried that I'd lost my mind-or at least my humor. I was worried that God's divine blame for me included a nice padded cell and a nice white jacket with really long arms. Its wonderful to know that someone else has a house that looks like mine does!! Have a great day!

The Pirate Mom said...

Glad you got your pants on in time! I have bold-facedly lied to people who are on the way to my house before. Bubonic plague works every time....

~Kellie

CrossView said...

I am so glad you got your pants on. Really.

"I don’t regularly use marijuana, crack cocaine, heroin, meth, alcohol, and a host of other drugs..."

Regularly? I can't afford them even recreationally. =P

Big Doofus (Roger) said...

All of the good comments are taken and yet I feel the need to post something. So, here it is.

Twisted said...

I was waiting to see if you had managed to get the pants on. Kudo's to how the General is doing lately.congrats on the leader position. What's the Boss doing in New Mexico?

Kathleen said...

So I take it you passed the blood pressure test as well? Which is surprising given the circumstances.

therextras said...

Home visits for a physical. What a concept!

I'm moving the bookmark for this blog to my daily read list. Er, that's a compliment.

Barbara

Linda said...

Pirate, you can't use the Bubonic plague thing on a life insurance person!! Otherwise, good idea.

Nikowa Lee said...

Pants? check! :)

I can't get good rates on life insurance until I'm cancer free for 5 years. I have 2 to go :)