Friday, April 9, 2010

Flarp

I got into an argument with a baker at one of those big supercenter stores last night. He was so angry he told me to go pound cake. We were there to buy a camouflage t-shirt for Major Havoc, but we didn’t see any. That’s a sure indication that the shirt works, so I’m going back this morning to buy one.

The Boss is heading off to Milwaukee to visit her sister this weekend. She’ll return on Tuesday. The General is heading out to Lawrence, Kansas, on a Boy Scout camp-out. I’m remaining at home with the Major and the Captain, two children who will fill their days with plenty of fun and games. That leaves me with a full tool box and no adult supervision. It’s a frightening concept, isn’t it? I’m wavering between gutting a bathroom and repairing the stairwell to the basement. The odds are I will work on the basement stairwell simply because it doesn’t involve moving a toilet. We all know how well that worked out the last time I tried it.

General Mayhem’s grandmother gave him a container of Flarp for Easter. “Flarp” is a non-toxic polymer in a small plastic jar. An experienced Flarper can recreated the sound of any fart, from the wee wisp of a one-cheek sneak to the window rattling rumble of a seat lifter simple by inserting his fingers into the tub of goo. The boy made great use of his gift on Easter morning, keeping his younger siblings in fits of hysterical laughter so hard I thought they would wet themselves. Nothing celebrates the gift of the Risen Savior like imitation gas.

The General noted that Flarp would be a great way to hide a real poot. The timing would have to be nearly perfect. I thought the idea was brilliant, but I was quickly corrected by a disapproving glance from the Boss. Bad idea.  Bad, bad idea.  But, scratch-and-sniff Flarp could be a great seller. They could sell Beer Flarps, Bean Flarps, Broccoli Flarps…

That’s about all I’ve got this morning. Have a great weekend!

11 comments:

Papa Bear said...

(Wiping coffee off monitor)

Oklahoma Granny said...

I can't believe I'm unfamiliary with Flarp otherwise it would have been one of the prizes for our egg hunt. Not to worry though. Our 4th grandson has a birthday coming up in May. His folks are gonna love me!

jugglingpaynes said...

You are too funny! And I would go for the basement stairwell also. I've found that any room with plumbing becomes more than a weekend project.
;o)

Anonymous said...

I still want to know what a person could argue about with a baker that would tick the baker off so badly. What? Sour cream in the eclairs? Rock-hard donuts? Hmmmm....

Monica @ Educating Magpies said...

that's sick.

love it.

Some Guy said...

Be careful - that stuff does not like to come out of carpet.

DeanO said...

Bean Flarps? Isn't the world in enough trouble already? Funny post. Thanks for stopping by my blog and I'm going to go through your archives looking for several articles.
DeanO

TobyBo said...

sounds to me like Grandmother needs a blog of her own. :)

GingerB said...

I just need to chime in to say "the finder smells his own behinder." I have little girls so I don't have a lot of call to say that, yet.

Kathleen said...

Have you seen the Flarp machine? It's the lazy version of the Flarp goo. My children each picked one up at the local Target a few months ago. Well, everyone but the Princess because, well, really? This little thing has six choices: Power, Juicy, Nervous, Classic, Up Tight, and Ripper. If I see them again, I'll pick up three (or maybe four since you might need one as well??) for you. Even though we purchased them for a buck each a few months ago, they are still the item of choice to bring along in the car or wherever else one is trying to hold a decent conversation with one's spouse.

tsinclair said...

We finished our team building class at our local co-op recently. The winning team received a prize (only the winning team, imagine that). Anyway I went on a search to find little items to put in these prize bags. I accidentally selected Flarp. I say accidentally because prior to that I was blissfully unaware of what it was.
My son was one of the members on the winning team. I am now painfully aware of what Flarp is. He even counted out his money and bought two more bottles (different flavors). I know the other moms must still be thanking me.