Tuesday, May 11, 2010

If You Want a Simple Life, Never Read the Spam Box

I knew that I should not have checked my e-mail spam box. I should have left well enough alone. Alas, I didn’t listen to the voice in my head that said, “Just delete the contents.” Instead, I checked to see if there were any messages from people I might want to hear from mistakenly sorted into the spam box. That’s when I saw it.


Yes, there on my screen was a pair of virtual double D’s. They had been sent to me by the Plastic Surgeon Locator at Net Post Site dot com. I know those people have only my best interests in mind. They wanted to know, “Do you need bigger breasts?” And that got me to thinking.  Do I need bigger breasts?

I really do not know.

I went to the full length mirror in our bedroom and looked at my figure. It needs a little work. I could exercise more. Then I lifted my shirt and looked at the man boobs. They’re not as firm as they once were, but they really don’t sag, which is saying a lot for a man approaching 45 in two short weeks. I’ve never heard any complaints, but were they enough?

The person to ask was the Boss. I’m a happily married man. I know that my wife loves me for who I am. I know that she respects me and respects my mind. I’m not simply a set of man boobs to her. Still, I wonder, if she had a choice, would she like to her husband have a bigger set?  Am I carrying around a pair of Yugos and she prefers Winnebagos?  I called her at work but there was no answer.

Where could she be?

There are a lot of men at her office. Does she look at them and wonder what life would be like if Arby had a set like Roger or Tom? Was she looking at them right now? Was that the reason she was away from her desk?

I hate it when spam e-mail creates dilemmas like this. I was perfectly happy with my figure this morning. Now I’m torn with feelings of inadequacy.

When I finally got a hold of her and explained my concerns, she nicely told me, “Don’t publish that.”

I can always count on her for support.

We really cannot afford breast enhancement surgery at this time. Larger breasts for dad are not as important as saving for my children’s college education. The Boss hasn’t complained, even if she steals a glimpse at our neighbor Bill’s man-mammaries. Sometimes a gal's just gotta look.  I’ll just have to be content with the body I was given at birth.  And I'm never again reading my e-mail spam box.

I’m sorry for the content of today’s blog. I just needed to get this off my chest.


Brownie said...

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where they decided that "manssiers" would be a good thing to develop and market. That is until George's mother walked in on his father trying on a model.

TobyBo said...

I believe I shall advise Devastatingly Handsome to just delete his spam without reading it.

Michelle said...

I can always count on you to brighten my day!

Teacher Mommy said...

*shakes head*

Come on now, Arby. A man's gotta keep his woman happy, right? Isn't it your responsibility to make sure your figure is perfect so that she is never, ever tempted to stray by that luscious pair of man boobs hovering over the keyboard at the next desk?

Anonymous said...

Well Boss, your the winner ;-)

Hysterical Arby, truly hysterical.


Holly said...

giggling here. :) Holly

S.K. said...

Laughing to hard to think of a comment.....