Monday, May 24, 2010

Squeaky Shoes and Other News

I have squeaky shoes.

That’s what I get for buying cheap sneakers from Wal-Mart in an after-Christmas sale. The air chambers in both shoes developed a leak, so with each step I take air is expelled from one air chamber while the other air chamber is refilling. I discovered this while painting the trim in our hallway. I kept hearing a squeaky sound behind me. I thought there might be a mouse in one of the bedrooms, but each time I stepped into a room and stood still to listen for the critter the squeaking would stop. When I returned to the hallway it resumed. I discovered the truth when the mouse went jogging with me.


Captain Chaos petitioned me for something to eat while I was working with General Mayhem on math. We were standing at the chalkboard combining like terms in binomial and trinomial phrases when the girl appeared at my knee caps.

“DadcanIhavecrackers?Please?DadcanIhavecrackers?I’dreallyliketohavesomecrackersdadTheyareonthe counterCan I have some please?” she rattled off like a St. Valentine’s Day machine gun.

Without giving me a chance to reply she wandered off. That’s when I heard her add, “They will make me happy and strong!”


Yesterday was “Scout Day at the K,” the annual promotion at Kaufman Stadium where scouts who sold a bajillion dollars worth of popcorn attended the game for free.

It was a typical Kansas City Royals baseball game. They were out of the game by the fourth inning. Honestly, they should rename the team the Cubs West. I noticed that this year the team is flying a large blue flag commemorating 25 years since the Royals won the World Series. What that really means is that they haven’t accomplished anything significant in25 years. Can you imagine a flag flying over Wrigley Field commemorating 102 years since their last World Series? That won’t change this year, either, as the Cubs still haven’t installed a goat at Wrigley. Write those letters, folks!

Anyway, if the Royals were out of the game by the fourth inning, Major Havoc was out of the game by the first. Nothing I did kept his attention. He seems to be under the impression that the entire purpose of going to the ballpark is to eat five dollar hot dogs and drink five dollar bottles of water and eat equally overpriced cotton candy. When he did not get to do these things he made the game fairly miserable. Between announcing how bored he was and bouncing up and down in his seat like he had springs in his butt, he pretended to shoot yellow cars as they drove past the stadium on interstate 70. He spent the sixth inning making fart noises on his hand. Whenever the Royals attempted to generate false interest in the game by displaying “MAKE SOME NOISE” on the Jumbotron he screeched with all the ear-piercing enthusiasm of a pre-pubescent boy. Just when I thought my right eardrum would start to bleed he decided to sit on my other side and significantly reduce my hearing ability in that ear, too. When the decibel meter on the Jumbotron hit the highest mark he turned to me and said, “Dad, look, I did that with my voice!”


I resolved yesterday to never again car pool to a baseball game. I liked the people I was with and I enjoyed their company, but if I had had my own wheels we would have been out of that stadium after the second inning, the inning I spent in a concession line for our ONLY food purchase of the day. That’s where I enjoyed watching the cashier walk away from the counter and disappear for ten minutes to loudly berate the kitchen staff for repeatedly ignoring her calls for corn dogs. Those guys just stared at her, showing absolutely no interest in moving faster than tar balls on a Louisiana beach. Go Royals!


Tonight I open a new chapter in my life. Tonight I begin Karate class. General Mayhem has attended Young Champions Karate classes for seven years. Eighteen months ago both the Major and the Boss began learning Karate. Now it’s the Captain’s turn, and I get to attend class with her. This should be interesting. Captain Chaos is the girl who puts the hyper in hyperactive. She moves so much she makes hummingbirds nervous. She’s the girl that jumped into one of the General’s classes and told one very serious sensei that she was a pink belt ready for class. The man stared at her, completely lost for words. My daughter is very excited. She has been ready to start Karate for a year. We told her that when she turned six years old she could start class. Now she’s six. I suspect that I am entering an entirely new source of blog material.


Teacher Mommy said...

I am very interested in hearing the mathematical definition of "bajiggion," as it is a new number to me.

Also, I think the sensei should be very scared. Very scared indeed.

Michelle said...

Tell the Captain that my daughter has PINK sparring gear for her taekwondo class!! She's the only one who does. I'm not surprised that she picked it.

Sorry that the game wasn't enjoyable. I know that you like to keep stats and stuff-and I'd prefer to sit on the couch and snooze!

TobyBo said...

I hope she got her crackers. Happy and Strong is good. Happy, Strong, and Pink is even better. :)

Kathleen said...

I can't WAIT to hear about the girl with the pink belt in karate!!

L. said...

Uh huh, Kathleen, and I can't wait to hear about the Dad with the pink belt in karate. This should be good. Pictures...we want pictures!

tsinclair said...

Empi-uchi (em-pee oo-chee) - Means; Elbow Strike :-)
We have yet to witness an entire live sporting event (baseball, hockey, football) other than on tv in which legos and cheap snacks help feel those bored moments. Oh, and of course the ones that they (boys) participate in.

Bob said...

Sounds like great times coming Arby.
PS - The Scouts are some of my best memories

TherExtras said...

The only two times we attended baseball games (minor league here) was when our children's dojo performed pre-show. A bit older than the Major, they both read books during the game. We all enjoyed the brief fireworks at the end.

Karate is excellent. Looking forward to reading your reports.

Opus #6 said...

Karate is good exercise. It will keep you young.

Sorry about the shoes. I tried to get a squeaky pair repaired once. Didn't work.

Oklahoma Granny said...

I do believe if you turned your blog into a book it would shoot right to the top of the best seller list in a split second! And think of the fun you'd have doing book signings with the Captain in tow.

Linda said...

LOL! Am looking forward to the Karate posts!! :-) Guess what? I blogged. I discovered my blog was only mostly dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive! I hope you'll come back!!! Please, please, oh please?!?!? I have to find a way to coerce my readers back!!! :-)

Linda said...

Happy Birthday!!! Looking forward to being blogging buddies again!

S.K. said...

That quote about the crackers is too funny. I wish I could wrote down all the hilarious things my kids say. It's amazing what they will come up with if you don't keep telling them to shut up and go away.

Good luck with Karate - and my sympathies with the Major. Oy. My head rings just thinking about it.

The Pirate Mom said...

Cubs West...*snicker, snicker*