Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Susie the Chicken Killer

I thought a quick early morning run to Wal*Mart for Slim Jims, Funyuns, and coffee would be drama free. The girl had chosen Slim Jims and Funyuns over cupcakes for her class treat for her birthday and I was out of coffee. What could go wrong in ten minutes? When I returned home I saw General Mayhem in the side yard looking at the Rose of Sharon bush. That could only mean one thing. Clumsy was out. Again. Clumsy is our chicken with the wanderlust, continually hopping the fence to explore the front yard. Sure enough, I saw him pick her up and toss her over the fence into the back yard. When I got out of the car I heard that he was crying. He came toward me holding one very dead Black Sex Link pullet, one of the newer members of our backyard flock. She was only eight to ten weeks old and had slipped through a gap in the gate, a gap created when Captain Chaos moved a cinder block that was strategically placed to prevent our younger and skinnier birds from wandering out of the yard.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on our front door. I had calmed down the General and refocused his attention on his math and story problem number three: “If farmer Bob had ten chickens and three chickens escaped…” The dead bird was bagged and placed in the deep freeze so that animals would not tear open the garbage in search of a fresh chicken dinner before the garbage men arrive on Thursday. We really don’t have room for a pet cemetery in the back yard and I figure it’s no different than throwing away a turkey carcass after Thanksgiving, except for the beak and the feet and the feathers. There was a nice grey haired old lay calmly waiting at the door. I recognized her right away. She walks her dog past the house four or five times each day. We’ve exchanged friendly waves and short “hellos” over the years. She handed me a copy of her dog’s shot record.

The nice, grey haired old lady explained to me that her dog “Susie” stopped on our front lawn to fertilize it. That was very thoughtful, as our lawn is patchy underneath the Maple tree in the front yard. When this lady bent over to retrieve her dog’s efforts, Susie escaped from her and ran around the side of the house where she found four chickens underneath the Rose of Sharon bush. It was Clumsy and three pullets. Clumsy and two pullets remained safe while Susie sent the Black Sex Link to live with St. Brigid, the Patron Saint of Chicken Farmers. Who knew? The purpose of the lady’s visit was to explain the situation, apologize, and assure me that her dog was properly vaccinated. Apparently, while she knew her dog had harassed a few chickens, she wasn’t aware that our flock was one bird smaller.

I assured her that Susie the Chicken Killer was not to blame for the situation. She flinched slightly when I said that, but my disposition was cheery. Susie was simply a dog acting like a dog. While I would have appreciated Susie actually eating her fresh chicken dinner (sport killing just isn’t my thing), this was no big deal. The lady explained, again, about Susie’s rabies vaccine and the updated shot record. I explained that rabies were the least of the chicken’s concerns. The General was still sniffling within ear shot of this conversation, but I assured this woman that no one would be crying if the bird was on platter on my kitchen table, covered with warm gravy.

Nothing. Not even a hint of a smile. Honestly, it was good comedy, and well delivered. I could have asked for a cover charge. She stared at me for a moment, apologized again, and returned to her car. As she walked away I repeated that this was no big deal, and I thanked her for explaining to me what had happened. And I have to laugh. The city councilwoman who worked so hard to ban chicken ownership in Apathy, Kansas, repeatedly expressed her fears of attracting coyotes into the city limits. Well, chickens attracting coyotes into the city limits. I don’t think any self-respecting coyotes would be attracted to that councilwoman. Maybe a lonely hyena. But I digress. She never considered the real danger to Apathy chickens.

Schnauzers.

7 comments:

Brownie said...

That is funny. I didn't know that chickens attracted coyotes in to the city. At least she was honest and said it was her dog. She could have made a phone call to you later and expressed "concern" that she saw a coyote in the neighborhood and wanted to "warn" you to keep an eye on your chickens. :O)

Teacher Mommy said...

*giggle*

Some people just don't have senses of humor.

Kathleen said...

I have to admit to at least cracking a smile at, "That was very thoughtful, as our lawn is patchy underneath the Maple tree in the front yard" and even "The General was still sniffling within ear shot of this conversation, but I assured this woman that no one would be crying if the bird was on platter on my kitchen table, covered with warm gravy".

But I have to say that you really got me at "The girl had chosen Slim Jims and Funyuns over cupcakes for her class treat for her birthday". That Captain Chaos is such a character!!

TobyBo said...

"the great stew pot in the sky" LOL

I bet that woman got home and hasn't stopped laughing. She was no doubt concerned you may be dangerously insane. We are safe to laugh over internet space.

Oklahoma Granny said...

I love the Captain's choice of birthday treats. She is definitely a leader.

Maybe Susie just wanted to play. At any rate, I admire her owner for wanting to do the right thing. It's too bad Susie's owner didn't get your humor.

Michelle said...

Hmmm, chickens attracting coyotes to the city? Before the area was a city, wasn't it the coyotes home? Just wondering!

Maybe Suzie wanted to play. When I was growing up, our golden retriever used to catch moles and toss them into the air and then bat them with his paws a few times to play. Of course, after a few times, they were dead and he was disappointed that he couldn't play anymore!

tsinclair said...

lol...I wonder what she thought on the way home. Better yet, what will she think the next time she walks by - if she does. A change of route might be in store. :-)