Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Regulations Certain to Raise Food Prices

August 3, 2010
AP (Associated Purport) – Washington, D.C.

New rules proposed by the Environmental Protection Agency may create new jobs at a time when Americans need them the most. Under these rules, farmers in agricultural America will be monitored for the amount of dust that is produced on their properties. Proposed rules changes will affect all areas of farming, including the handling of livestock and the use of mechanical farm equipment.

“Airborne dust particles are a pollutant,” said EPA special assistant to the deputy spokesperson Dusty Rhodes. “It is very dangerous to people with heart disease and lung problems.” In an effort to control the wide spread of these particles, farmers will be required to contain all dust created on their farms within their property lines.

Speaking jointly before a congressional subcommittee on the environment, Department of Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack and Department of the Interior Secretary Kenneth L. Salazar requested funds to hire more officers for the Department of the Interior Regulatory Task Force. Their $100 million dollar request would quadruple the existing size of the D.I.R.T. Police, enabling them to affectively monitor farms across the nation.

“Inter-departmental cooperation and increasing the size of the existing D.I.R.T. police will save millions of tax-dollars,” Secretary Vilsack told the committee.

Wearing brown shirts and black pants, D.I.R.T. police visiting farms will first educate farmers on the new regulations before levying fines.

“American farmers will enjoy a six month grace period before new regulations will be enforced,” explained Rhodes. After the six month grace period, fines and penalties will be assessed.

These new regulations include dirt rationing for chickens, controls on the movement of livestock, and the operation of farm equipment and vehicles on country roads.

“Chickens need dust baths, but they will no longer be able to bath at will,” explained Director Salazaar under sometimes prickly congressional scrutiny. “Under a new dirt rationing system, chickens on farms on the odd-numbered side of the road will bath on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Chickens on farms on the even-numbered side of the road will bath on Tuesday and Thursdays, Saturdays. There will be no dust bathing on Sundays, and all dust baths will be taken after sunset and before sunrise. “

Livestock may no longer stroll from paddock to paddock on American ranches in order to find healthy grass for grazing.

“Sheep and cattle will walk on the front edge of their hooves” explained Director Vilsack. He went on to cite studies proving a reduction in dirt particles kicked into the air by Dutch cattle tip-toeing through the tulips. Walking on their hind legs only is preferred.

“Two legs are good, four legs are bad,” the director explained.

Other areas of D.I.R.T. concern will be the use of motorized vehicles on country roads and in fields. Wherever possible, tractors and combines should be abandoned for oxen-drawn plows and carts. Drivers on country roads will be required to drive at speeds that do not generate dust clouds behind their vehicles.

The ACLU immediately criticized the request. “We do not believe that farmers should have their rights infringed upon by police speed traps along corn and soybean fields across America,” they explained in a statement released yesterday. If the rules are adopted they plan on challenging them in court.

A final decision on the proposed rules change will be issued in the near future.


Hat Tip: Senior Chief

4 comments:

Papa Bear said...

That was good!

The_Kid said...

Great Post ;-)

jedijson said...

*snorting laughter* This post is destined to become a classic!

(take a guess what word I'm supposed to type in to make this comment? "feetrmoo")

Twisted said...

Next, they will require a permit for using a rototiller in the backyard garden, and charge us for using our own chicken fertilizer.