Wednesday, September 15, 2010

There Was a Whole Lot of Stimulating Going On

I completely misunderstood.

I thought that the purpose of the stimulus package was to encourage domestic spending in order to revive the stalled economy. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently the purpose of the stimulus package was to convince African men to wash their junk after having sex. Nearly one million dollars of money borrowed from China that will be repaid by our grandchildren was spent on African genitalia as a part of a $12 million dollar grant to the UCLA “to evaluate the feasibility of a post-coital genital hygiene study.” Exactly how this program will help a teamster find employment is beyond me, so I fail to see how spending a million bucks on a study of African men and their “genital hygiene” was a wise choice for using tax-payer dollars. It doesn’t take a million dollars to encourage African men to wash the admiral and his two seamen after coitus. Just encourage their partners to wash the boys afterwards and those men will be properly stimulated to practice better hygiene. That plan will spread nicely just by word of mouth.

I miss my one outspoken liberal democratic reader who so staunchly defended the policies of our current administration. It was always entertaining for me to receive her e-mails explaining how our nation needs to continue borrowing and spending more and more money. Her compassion for poor and struggling working class people in America was touching, but her blind defense of liberal policies including the use of money in the manner described above was pure theater. I’ve heard liberal after liberal complain that the money spent on conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan would be better spent on domestic policies here at home. How is the cleanliness of an African penis a concern for our domestic policies?

How am I going to explain this to my grandchildren when they ask me how my generation made such a mess of our economy?

“Grandpa, why did your government spend a million dollars on teaching African men how to wash their genitals?”

“Well, it was all a part of an economic stimulus package, and there was a whole lot of stimulating going on...”


L. said...

Oh PLEASE have mercy, Arby. The "admiral and his two seamen"? For Pete's sake at least be thoughtful enough of your readers to put up a warning sign "Put your knees together or your coffee down, there's hilarity ahead." WHERE do you come up with this stuff?

It doesn't matter.

Keep finding it.

Michelle said...

You need to post Laughter Warnings on your blogs!! I nearly busted a gut-but I agree entirely! I'm loving the crutch the Tea Party is throwing into the political field. Rep and Dems be warned-there's a new sherriff in town.

The_Kid said...

Arby, Great one.

I think in the final analysis, all this money is going to to payola. Payback chicago style, paying the unions, the crooks, the election riggers, etc etc etc ad infinitum etc.

The Admiral huh. I don't think mine is up for a demotion!

S.K. said...

I wish I could believe you made this up as a joke. Sadly it sounds far too likely.

Linda said...

I haven't been back to comment since I first read this. I've been trying to think of what to say. There are no words. I'm speechless. (and that's not easy to do.)

Rose said...

you asked:
How is the cleanliness of an African penis a concern for our domestic policies?

Just to clarify, the study is concerned with the cleanliness of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of African penises. What all those penises (clean or otherwise) have to do with our domestic policies is still a mystery however.