Monday, December 20, 2010

Arby’s Wild Weekend Adventure with Mary Jane’s Super Salacious Bammy Bong

I found a large marble penis in a church parking lot last Friday night.

Why do these things always happen to me?

It’s safe to say that a large marble penis was the last thing I expected to find in the church parking lot as I prepared to supervise the Boy Scout departure for our December camp-out. I expected to find a few boys without proper camping gear, a couple of missing permission slips, and maybe a late arrival or two. Instead, I found an anatomically correct glass tallywacker that looked like it was made out of the same material you would use to make a set of marbles. Another scout dad, observing my perplexed expression, looked over my shoulder and said, “You know what that is? That’s a bong!”

He was correct. Turning the object over I noticed that the “testicles” formed a bowl. Judging by the scorch marks, it was a well used testicular bowl.

Thus began Arby’s wild weekend adventure with Mary Jane’s Super Salacious Bammy Bong.

Now, any man with half an ounce of common sense would immediately dispose of such a treasure. He would have walked directly to the church’s dumpster and dropped in the offending object. But, I’m not that guy. I correctly thought, “I need to make sure none of the boys see this.” Then I placed it in the pocket of my sweat shirt.

And immediately forgot about it.

It wasn’t until an hour later, when I was speeding down a two-lane country road with five scouts in my van, driving between 60 and 65 mph in a 55 zone, that it occurred to me that if I was pulled over by a cop I’d have a difficult time explaining why I was carrying a glass penis in my pocket. I could smell faint traces of pot residue. I was speeding because I had become separated from our caravan by stop lights. We were on the way to a campsite we had been at before, but I didn’t know the exact route to get there. I was trying to catch up. My mind was instantly filled with images of the Boss bailing me out of county lock-up, and my standing in front of a judge pleading, “Really, Your Honor, it’s not my schlong bong! I found it.”

Luckily, I was able to slow down and still catch up to the caravan before they made the critical left turn that is so hard to find in the dark. I pulled over to the side of the gravel road and rolled down my window when another car pulled alongside me. It was Serious Guy, a retired army officer and scout dad who likes to puff out his chest and sound important in matters that don’t really concern him.

I signaled for him to pass. “Go ahead,” I called to him.

“Why are you stopped?” he demanded through his open passenger window.

“Just go ahead,” I told him. “I’ll follow.”

He stared at me intently, and with his most serious voice, he asked, “Is everything alright?” It was more of an order than a question.

Honestly, what does a guy have to do to dispose of his phallic wand of wackiness in peace?

“Everything is fine. I’ll be right behind you.”

Thankfully, he pulled ahead. I pulled onto the road behind him, let him get a few car lengths ahead of me, and without allowing the boys in my van to see what I was doing I threw the mamoreal member out the window as far as I could into the tall weeds on the side of the road. It will be hidden in the weeds a long, long time. I supposed that’s appropriate.

All the dads had a good laugh when I shared this tale later in the evening. Serious Guy enjoyed it most of all.

And the rest of the campout was quite sane.


Linda said...

What words can I possibly use to respond to this post? There are none.

Arby said...

Kinda stops you dead in your tracks, doesn't it?

Michelle said...

Why oh why do these things happen to you? To entertain us readers of course!! That is tooo funny!!

Have a wonderful week!

Linda said...

I had to come back and it read again!

I read two blog posts this morning. One made me weep uncontrollably. One made me laugh uncontrollably. Guess which was yours?!?!? :-)

Oklahoma Granny said...

This is a great example of why Brownie created your award. You truly deserve it.

Papa Bear said...

This could only happen to Arby! What I want to know is where you got your thesaurus. I could never find one with so many words for wiener. Did you know Bong is a state park in Wisconsin? Presumably certain people coming up I-94 from Chicago see the sign "Bong Recreation Area" and say, "Dude! I should have come to Wisconsin a long time ago!"

Brownie said...

Yes and here we have it folks - proof that the Laugh Out Loud award is appropriately bestowed upon Arby. (btw I changed the URL of the award + I had mistakenly routed anyone who clicked on it to my photo album)

The visual that springs to mind reading today's entry is ... I don't... words fail me. Couldn't you have saved it and "re-purposed" it? I have a vintage glass urinal that I plan on using for a vase...

Kathleen said...

What Linda said.

ComfyDenim said...

I don't think anyone else I know of has ever found a bong in the parking lot. Most people just find cash. Or trash. The occasional stray animal.

Not you.
Oh, not you. LOL

Marlis said...

Arby, anointed guardian of the schlong bong....I salute you! (Bowing deeply).

Now I have to make my dh read this.

The_Kid said...

Now THAT's funny.

L. said...

Definetly a prize winner, Arby. You are just too funny.

Anonymous said...

*wipes tears* SO glad this stuff doesn't only happen to me!!!!!!! :)

Linda said...

You are correct; this could only happen to you. And not even you could make this up.