Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sometimes Toilets And Cracks Do NOT Belong Together

If 2009 was the year of the coon hound, 2010 will be the year of the toilet. This past week has been one long, stress filled, plumbing catastrophe that involved seating and reseating and reseating the new toilet in our freshly remodeled basement bathroom only to find water leaking from underneath the front edge. I’ve tried every toilet leak stopping product known to mankind only to find water on the floor after reseating the toilet. Eight times. No sooner would I get the bowl installed and the water turned on when I would see water start to creep out from underneath the front edge of the bowl in the powder room version of the Chinese water torture. Water boarding is child’s play. If you want to get information out of a terror suspect then have them install a toilet in my house. The plumber that I called after reaching the limits of my privy potential left shaking his head, convinced that the problem wasn’t with anything he or I did but with the toilet itself. Sure enough, a careful inspection of the toilet revealed a crack in the porcelain on the bottom of the bowl. It didn’t matter what I tried. This plumbing job was doomed.

Of course, there was no pressure on this week long job. The Boss really didn’t care what I did as long as the toilet was fixed before the crowd of people arrives on Sunday for the Super Bowl. Each day passed and nothing worked and the Super Bowl loomed closer and closer and I still have to install the sink and hang the mirror and the towel rack and the toilet paper holder. Hanging the toilet paper holder any sooner would have just been too darn optimistic for this project. That’s on my to-do list for tomorrow.

Oh, and do you remember that basement room remodeling project that I started last month? It was the one I intended to have completed before the Super Bowl. It was the only one I intended to have completed before the Super Bowl because it was the only project I intended on starting. That one? Yeah, well, I applied the final coat of paint last night, so we get to put that room back together today.

Now, the store from which I purchased the toilet willingly took it as a return and gave me back my money. As for the plumber’s charges, I’ll have to take that up with corporate. We were able to purchase another toilet by a different manufacturer. The really nice old lady who absolutely did not comprehend the flushing the kids down the toilet joke willingly unpacked the toilet in the store so that we all could inspect it for cracks. This was one of those rare times when cracks and toilets did not belong together. It passed inspection, and now that toilet resides in my basement bathroom, secured to the floor by two bolts and a wax ring. It went in quickly. It doesn’t leak. And I am afraid to walk into that room and look at it, much less use it, for fear of seeing that telltale seep of water drip dripping on my chamber pot floor. Am I a plumber? Nevermore!

All of this came about after I lost the fight as to whether or not I pulled the old toilet in order to lay the new floor in the bathroom. I lost that fight because I have a good marriage. I would have put the old toilet back in place except that I managed to drop a chunk of steel through the tank lid. Steel is not a good playmate for porcelain. During this entire project I’ve been feeling enormous stress because I felt like I was letting down my wife and she was feeling badly about the situation because she pushed so hard for me to remove the darn thing to begin with. The silver lining to this week, besides a working can, is that we held hands and laughed and joked and enjoyed each other’s company as we returned one toilet and inspected and purchased another. That’s because we have a good marriage, too. And to think that I only have two more bathrooms to remodel.

2010.

The year of the toilet.

9 comments:

therextras said...

Congrats, Arby! Looks like it's gonna be a good year.

Barbara

Big Doofus (Roger) said...

Did you turn the #10 toilet in for a #11? (obscure Spinal Tap reference)

brownie said...

Plumbing is not for the faint of heart. To get it done well is a true accomplishment. Can you hear me applauding? :)

Michelle said...

Great job!! And what an exciting date-toilet shopping!! My favorite "date" is going shopping for the kids-birthday, Christmas, etc......
Have a great weekend and thanks for the prayers!

Kathleen said...

If your new form of a Chinese calendar ever shows up in our local Chinese restaurant, I hope my year of birth will deem me a dog, not a toilet thankyouverymuch.

Mrs. A said...

Sincere congrats on the successful installation. I'm glad you and The Boss came through all right.

Oklahoma Granny said...

I like the ending to the story most of all.

TobyBo said...

I can barely bring myself to comment on this because of our own current plumbing woes. We have had the contractor install the tub surround THREE TIMES, most recently last Wednesday. And it is STILL LEAKING!

CrossView said...

I'm still chuckling at the title...