Monday, April 19, 2010

S-T-A-P-L-E-R, That Spells "Love"

That soft ka-chunk you just heard?

That’s me.

Yeah, that’s me, happily stapling away on my brand new stapler. And it’s not just any stapler.


It’s a Swingline. It’s a Swingline model 747xx. It’s a real stapler, not one of those cheap plastic staplers that repeatedly jams and doesn’t have enough “umph” to push a staple completely through a piece of paper. This one is metal. And it’s fire engine red!

Pretty racy.

I know you’re jealous. I know you want one, too. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. I know how you can get one. If you want a real, jen-yoo-ine metal, fire engine red stapler, the kind they used to make here in America but are now only produced in China, I can tell you how to get one. I’ll buy one for you. All you have to do is come over to my house and teach my children. For one day. Just one. But not any one day.


You need to come over and teach my children on a day where they wake up with monster truck leaf springs where their glutei are supposed to be so that the slightest distraction, like a one degree change in wind direction, causes them to drop their pencils, bounce off their chairs, and run outside to investigate. Spend an afternoon with 13-year-old Belch and his younger brother Gas during a game of “Top This!” that puts an entirely new spin on teaching John 3:8, "The wind blows wherever it pleases." Come on over and try to get them to sit still long enough to compute 2+2=4 and spell c-a-t and learn that the American flag has three different colors on it and try to get all of that accomplished by four o’clock in the afternoon so that you can start dinner and feed the children and get them in their scout uniforms and out the door in time to start the evening activities without going completely insane. Show me how that is successfully accomplished and I’ll buy you your very own stapler, too.

I couldn’t do that last Wednesday. When the Boss surprised me by coming home early from work so that I could leave with the boys and not have to bring the girl along we ended up in the bedroom behind a closed door for a little mom-and-dad alone time. It’s not what you think. “Alone time” meant that the Boss sat on the bed smiling serenely while I sat on the floor and shared with her my frustration with a day that had been fairly good until the witching hour hit, that two hour period between 4:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. when I have too much day left for my patience. I shared with her my frustrations with two energetic boys and their younger sister who only wants to beat them at whatever activity they are doing in what I am sure was a rather long run-on sentence that ended with, “and for crying out loud why can’t I have a stapler that actually staples papers together instead of jamming on every third staple or folding the staples on the top page without actually puncturing the paper? Doesn’t anyone make a decent stapler anymore, like one of those good, heavy, never failed Swingline staplers that you could get in the fifties but can’t seem to find anymore?”

The Boss took the boys to scouts that night. I remained at home with the girl. We bounced on the bed, had a pillow fight, watched cartoons, chased chickens in the back yard, and basically played until it was her bedtime. It was good therapy. The Boss returned home from scouts, told the boys to get ready for bed, and handed me a present.


It was fire engine red. It said “Swingline” on the handle. It was metal.

Nothing says “I Love You” like a stapler.


Teacher Mommy said...

Oh, you have a good one there. Great wife, too.

All I can think about, however, is Milton from "Office Space." It gives me the giggles.

Does The Boss ever make you attach cover sheets to your TPS reports?

Mrs. A said...

You had me at 'racy'...but then the Belch and Gas kind of put me off. I have enough of that to deal with around here.

That Boss of yours though, she's a keeper :-)

Oklahoma Granny said...

The Boss is a keeper for sure but I'm sure you know that already.

Michelle said...

I feel your pain. There are many days when lunch comes and I look at the clock and calculate how to finish the rest of the day in a few short hours, because we've only completed one or two subjects!

The Boss rocks!

And by the way, so do you!

Twisted said...

It's the little things that say "I Love You". The Boss stapled that one perfectly. Way to go, Boss.

Kathleen said...

"Spend an afternoon with 13-year-old Belch and his younger brother Gas during a game of “Top This!” that puts an entirely new spin on teaching John 3:8, "The wind blows wherever it pleases." "


I got a love gift of a stapler a couple weeks ago too from my better half who was tired of hearing me cuss the cheap plastic one out. I don't know what kind it is, and I am too lazy to get my butt off the chair. All I know is that it staples things together without my needing to cuss it out. And that makes me very happy.

Linda said...

I know that "witching hour" well. It is universal. Except maybe in Europe in the summer when they eat dinner at 9pm, and the children are still playing.. oh never mind. I get it.

The Pirate Mom said...

I'm jealous of your stapler. And I'm also jealous that your witching hour is only between 4 and 6. Mine is more like between noon and 6.


TobyBo said...

I am happy for you. But what I need is a decent pencil sharpener. Got any name-brand advice there?

The_Kid said...

Arby, I Believe You Have My Stapler

Linda said...

The Kid, Only you!! hahahahahaha

The_Kid said...


Staples said...

The Swingline red stapler reminds me of The Office. haha!

Pamela said...

Play therapy is the BEST! It cures all sorts of bad days, so I sometimes rely on it for my whole days agenda.
On staplers- I rotate between cheap, plastic, permanently jammed versions at home (if I can find one at all) and a very scary, super powerful, ultra high speed automatic one at my office. I live in fear of losing a finger in it's mega fast stapling jaw.