Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It Should Have Been on Masterpiece Theater

When the Boss sent me to Wal*Mart to locate a copy of the Academy Award winning epic picture Ace Ventura Pet Detective, I had no idea how lucky I would be. We had been wondering if watching Jim Carrey talk through his *** would cause 13 year old General Mayhem to laugh so hard that he wet his pants like he did when he watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs when he was three. I could not locate Ace’s first movie, but while digging through the $5 bin I did locate a title that I had never heard of and just barely resisted buying. I am writing, of course, about Deborah Gibson’s 2009 classic Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. How can you not watch a film about a gigantic prehistoric shark and an equally large octopus that come back to life after having been frozen in the arctic ice cap for centuries? Because we all know how often frozen animals are reanimated.

Monday morning I turned on the TV and guess what I found playing on the ScyFy channel? Nothing other than Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. Both the Captain and the Major snuggled underneath a blanket next to me on the couch for a wonderful moment of father-son-daughter movie bonding. Unfortunately, we missed the good parts, like the scene where Mega Shark jumps out of the water to catch in its mouth a jumbo jet cruising at 30,000 feet and bring it back to earth, although I’m still wondering why the water reentry didn’t cause a tsunami. I mean, how unrealistic is that?! We did get to see Giant Octopus swat a jet fighter out of the air, while Mega Shark bit a Navy destroyer in half! That’s one mega shark!

Then something really scary happened. The Boss called me upstairs to look at the haircut she had just given to General Mayhem. We all know what happened the last time she took scissors in hand. The hair cut was good, but the next words to escape her mouth truly perplexed me.

“Take a seat. You’re next.”

“But, Mega Shark is about to fight Giant Octopus!” I protested.

“Sit,” she replied.

“He just took a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge! I can’t miss this!”

“Like I care.”

I was a bit shaggy, so I sat down, mumbling about the injustice of it all.

“Those are dangerous words when I have a pair of scissors in my hand,” she warned.

Then she told me to stop checking her out while she cut my hair. Talk about feeling cheated! I couldn’t watch Mega Shark and I couldn't watch Giant Octopus and I couldn’t check out the Gazongas, either. That is my favorite haircut past time. She asked me how I wanted my hair cut.

“Just make me look like one of the guys who turns your head on the street,” I answered.

So, she tried to cut off my love handles. Then Major Havoc came upstairs to inform me that Mega Shark had just bitten off one of Giant Octopus’ tentacles.

It was a tough morning.

We had just completed the hair cut when Mega Shark and Giant Octopus slowly sank to the bottom of the ocean, dead, and I didn’t get to see it. It was at that moment that General Mayhem discovered that check-in time for space camp was at 2:00 p.m., 3 ½ hours away in Hutchinson, Kansas, and our kitchen clock read 12:45 p.m. Before I had a chance to take a shower and wash those tiny hair particles off the back of my neck and shoulders I was in the car for the long itchy trip I wrote about yesterday. When I returned home last night I could not find a repeat of Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus on this week’s TV listings.

What a rip.

That’s okay. Deborah Gibson and Tiffany are currently filming Mega Python Versus Gatoroid. It’s due out next year. I see a family trip to the theater in our future…


Oklahoma Granny said...

Ok, so I had to go "google" for any trailers that might be out there for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I'm definitely going to have to look in the $5 bin for that movie. It sure looks like one of the "classic" movies that my husband loves to watch.

Big Doofus (Roger) said...

I'm quite certain these are "direct to dvd" movies. In fact, I think they originally aired on SyFy. If you ever watch The Soup on E! they poke fun at these movies all the time, which is ok because they are intentionally bad--which makes them good, right?

TobyBo said...


I think we need PHOTOS, Arby! both of the haircut and preferably video of the ants in the molasses.

Arby said...

TobyBo - My hair looks exactly like it does in my profile picture. I'll get working on that video...

Michelle said...

Gee, and I thought our fascination with Deadliest Catch and Whale Wars was bad!

tsinclair said...

I cut everyone's hair in my family (own included) and dare I say that my husband tries to cheat during his cut as well. I keep warning him that one of these days he might lose an ear. :-)

Kathleen said...

The only clips of SyFy movies I have seen are on The Soup when Joel McHale makes fun of them, I mean, tells the public how good they are.

We saw the previews for Diary of a Wimpy Kid (I know, it's been out awhile; we're a little slow on movies because we don't like the idea of taking out a second mortgage to take the family to the theater). I think that will be one that will cause our boys to pee their pants. Not sure if I'm ready for Ace Ventura antics 'round here yet!

Anonymous said...

After hearing about that movie I'm glad I'm not flying over any large bodies of water on my next trip!!!

And haircuts at your house sound like haircuts at our house. Men are such opportunists. Puuhhleease!! :-)

The_Kid said...

Can I come over for a haircut?

Linda said...

and the hits just keep on coming. @ The Kid, down boy. (bad boy)

GingerB said...

Sorry about those love handles!