Monday, November 29, 2010

Arby Aviation Services: Solving Air Security Needs Since 2010

I don’t envy the people responsible for providing air safety in this country. They have a difficult job with a near 100% guarantee of pissing off somebody. Still, I think the federal government really blew it with the current TSA inspection policy. They missed a prime opportunity to obtain a much higher level of cooperation from the flying public.

Currently, we have two choices. We can allow ourselves to be x-rayed or undergo a full body pat-down that leaves few areas untouched. This is really odd. I cannot get an x-ray of my arm at the doctor’s office without a nurse placing a heavy lead glove over the Admiral and his two seamen. I’m not allowed to help hold my daughter in the dentist’s chair while her teeth get x-rayed for fear of exposing me to unneeded radiation. But, if I want to visit aunt Beatrice for Thanksgiving I must allow a full body x-ray or submit to a pat-down that if conducted by a cop without probable cause would land me a multi-million dollar settlement after a lawsuit for emotional distress. The government appears to believe that assuring the public that the pat-downs are same-sex pat-downs will calm the angry masses. And this is precisely where the government missed the boat.

Guys, would you rather be felt-up patted-down by,

This guy?

Or one of these!

This gal?

Or one of these!

And who would you rather have supervising these pre-flight checks,

This guy?

Or Navy Seals?

All the government needs to do is combine America’s favorite pastime, voyeurism, with America’s favorite mode of transportation, flying, to develop the world’s leading air security service. By combining Hooters girls with Chippendales dancers and the Navy Seals, they’d have the hottest security team conducting opposite sex searches with the ability to snap the neck of any bad guy before he had the chance to start his dirty work. This would save money, too. The agents would work for tips, and since 80% of the flying public would opt for the manual search there’d be less of a need to purchase expensive body scanning machines.

Makes me wanna fly.


Marlis said...

Arby, as usual you have totally hit the nail on the head. You should take your proposal to Congress, I say!

TobyBo said...

I have not actually flown since the pre-Bananalets era, but I think you are on to something here.

Have you considered running for President?

Kathleen said...

Well, that settles it. I nominate you to replace that Pistole guy.

The_Kid said...

Arby, if being patted down by an attractive female was a possibility, I'd absolutely fly more often.

Linda said...

How do ideas like these even come into that brain of yours? Oh my. Classic. And I agree...take it to Congress.

Arby said...

Frightening, isn't it?

Twisted said...