I Find The Darndest Things In My Inbox

From: The Boss

To: Arby

Sent: Tue, March 1, 2011 7:04:50 PM

Subject: I'm sorry

I was being selfish and trying to get myself some stuff on Cityville and tried logging into your Facebook because I'm really impatient and stuff and it locked me out because you've never logged in on this computer and it tried to arrest me and sent the Facebook swat team after me because I didn't know the answer to your security question and who the hell was your first grade teacher anyhow and I didn't want to try to figure out who the people in your pictures were because I almost failed that test with my own pictures and I'm really sorry and I hope it doesn't cause you too many problems and....

deep breath...

and really I'm sorry but this is kind of along the lines of washing the checkbook, don't you think and I know you didn't need this on top of your really busy chaotic day and how was Boy Scouts and I miss you and…and I can't wait to see you again.

Don't you just hate it when she does that?

Yeah, she locked me out of my own Facebook page!  If any of you are Cityville players, please become my wife's friend and send her things, because it has been made clear to me that one of my failings as a husband is my refusal to play Farmville and Cityville. Why does this stuff always happen when she travels?

He Didn't Know What He Was Gettting Into

Yesterday, I was tagged on Facebook with one of those get-to-know-you type memes that asks about a bajillion questions.  I answered them, and I am sharing my answers with you today.  Nothing should surprise you in my answers.  I wish I could say the same thing for the guy who asked the questions.  He's the assistant scoutmaster for the General's troop.  We're camping this weekend.  We have got just enough fresh snow to make camping an adventure for the annual Klondike derby.   With more on the way.  And temperatures in the teens.  Anyway, this should make for some interesting conversation on the campout...


1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:45

2. How do you like your steak? Oak.  It's the only wood that will kill vampires.


3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter #7


4. What is your favorite TV show? I don't have one.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Where ever you find my wife and kids, you'll find me.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Oatmeal with a side of Activia. The funny thing about Activia is that the volume extruded is grossly disproportionate to the volume ingested.


7. What is your favorite cuisine? Pizza

8. What foods do you dislike? Rutabaga


9. Favorite Place to Eat? Anywhere I'm not cooking and not paying.


10. Favorite dressing? I prefer undressing. Well, watching someone undressing. Actually, watching my wife undressing. I think I've said enough now.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2000 Toyota Sienna. Pretty darn sexy, huh?

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans, sweat shirts and sneakers. For sneakin'.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? England

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? That depends on whether or not the cup is filled with beer.


15. Where would you want to retire? Where ever my wife is retired.


16. Favorite time of day? early morning


17. Where were you born? Oak Lawn, Illinois


18. What is your favorite sport to watch? football

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? The 24 poor slobs who receive this tag.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? My son. He's pretty fast. I used to be able to out run him, but he's really quick.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? No one. So, if you don't tag me back, I won't have to feel guilty for deleting your post.

22. People or Bird watcher? Definitely people. Preferrably women.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? A morning person. It's the best time of the day to sleep in.

24. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, six chickens, three fish, three children, and a woolly bug under the porch.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I have a hemorrhoid. Does that count?

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Professional baseball catcher.

27. What is your best childhood memory(s)? Stealing Tareytons from my dad.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog

29. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

30. Been in a car accident? Yes. And I'm here to tell about it because I always wear my seat belt.

31. Any pet peeves? People who pronounce the "s" in "Illinois" and "Des Moines." And people who fart in public. I hate walking through that cloud!


32. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Sausage, mushrooms, tomato, and garlic

33. Favorite Flower? Anything on someone else's casket.

34. Favorite ice cream? Rum Raisin. Without the raisins.


35. Favorite fast food restaurant? Subway

36. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0

37. From whom did you get your last email? Some chick offering me cheap Viagra. The assumption behind that offer is really quite insulting.

38. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Barnes & Noble


39. Do anything spontaneous lately? I ate my oatmeal plain this morning.

40. Like your job? I love my job. I make more money at this job, and have a higher rate of job satisfaction, than any other job I've I've ever held. The commute is great, too.

41. Broccoli? Yeah, but it gives me gas, so I only eat it right before I go out in public.

42. What was your favorite vacation? A trip to LA to meet a certain freckle-faced redhead...

43. Last person you went out to dinner with? My wife

44. What are you listening to right now? The George Lopez Show

45. What is your favorite color? Purple

46. How many tattoos do you have? 0 Yet.

47. How many are you tagging for this quiz? No one. 
48. What time did you finish this quiz? 9:43 PM

49. Coffee Drinker? Black.  Why pollute perfectly good coffee with cream and sugar?

I will be home in time watch this year's Super Bowl, the Bears/Packers game on Sunday afternoon.  That should be some good football!

I Don't Farmville

Honestly, I don’t want your rutabagas.

I really don’t care if your crops need watering. The next time you need a barn-raising please don’t send me a message.

If you send me turnips I will not send you Tuscan Wedding Truffles.  In fact, I won't send you anything at all.

It’s time for me to come clean and tell you that I don’t do Farmville.

If I’ve somehow lead you astray with a mistaken belief that I care about your virtual avocado field, please forgive me. It’s the Boss’ fault. She desperately needed a goat so she logged onto my Facebook account and signed me up for the world’s most annoying sim game solely for the purpose of allowing her to send herself things. Now my inbox and my profile are filled with requests for alfalfa sprouts and soy beans and an extra bag of those tiny rubber bands that are used for castrating sheep. My delete button is my new best friend.

So, thanks, but I don’t want your cows. I suggest your mooooove on down to another friend and try to milk them for a dozen eggs and a bushel of cumquats.   Besides, I've heard that your cows don't give milk.  They're real milk duds.